The Stress of Change and Command
by Machinist's Guardian Archangel
Summary: An impulse write about Shepard dealing with the changes and betrayals in Mass Effect 2. Taking place just after the Lair of the Shadow Broker, when Liara comes up to visit. Still a few missions before Suicide Mission. No romance between Shep and Liara. End focus on Shepard and Tali, as usual with me. Rate, comment, whatever you guys feel like. A little feedback is nice.


I pour a glass for Liara before filling my own. My first glass only lasts one gulp and two seconds before it's gone. I fill it up again, resisting the urge to knock another one down. I knew I was stressed, but I didn't realize it was this bad. Damn... The last few months have been pure hell on my nerves. Waking up after two years to a gunfight with an army of mechs didn't help. Seeing all the changes, then being thrown back into the fire... Forget it, Commander. Just forget it.

Liara walks in when I put the bottle down, leaving the glasses on the table. I've never seen her in a dress. She's always been a little attractive, but she looks better out of combat armor and that librarian thing she always wears. She's got something in her hand, a picture frame, but she's distracted by the fish tank beside her.

"Enjoy the tour?" I ask, throwing all of the thoughts out.

"Yes, it's a beautiful ship." she smiles, turning to me. "And I ran into Joker. He seemed happy to see me... All though, he did ask if I'd "embraced eternity" lately."

"Of course he did." I chuckle. "It wouldn't be Joker if he didn't make a smart ass comment."

"I also spoke with Doctor Chakwas. I'm glad she's doing well."

She starts to walk towards my computer, but turns around just before she reaches it. "I brought you something. It took some digging, but I recovered your tags."

She hands me the frame, with the tags hanging inside them against a white fabric. I look at them, and I smile a little to myself. Been a long time since those days... Feels like five minutes ago at times. "I thought I'd never see these again."

"They changed hands more than once." Liara says while I place the frame on the table, next to my computer. "Do you remember Admiral Hackett? He gave them to me so I could return them to you. He sends his best..." I turn around again to face her. "and hopes you're okay."

The smile leaves my face as soon as she says it, sending a cold shiver through me. I make a fist and lean on the counter, suppressing the urge to show the shiver. Liara doesn't notice it and continues, walking towards the fish tanks.

"So how are you doing, Shepard? I mean really, not what you tell the crew to keep morale up."

I sigh, deciding to just come out and say it. "Honestly, I'm doing everything I can, but I'm tired." I get off the counter and stand straight again. "Tired of dealing with Cerberus. Tired of the Council ignoring me. Tired of having my closest friends not believing me... Do you know the hell I've been through the last four months?"

Liara keeps eye contact, letting me see the subtle change from kind to sympathetic. "I can't imagine what you're going through, waking up two years later with everything changed and felling like it was only a few moments. But I'm here for you if you need me..."

I run my hand through what little hair I have. I take a second to try and figure out what to say, but the best I can come up with is "Thanks, Liara. Just... thanks."

"It's no problem." she says with a small, caring smile. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Do you... think you can do some digging on the Illusive Man, the guy who runs Cerberus?" I ask. "I want to see what he's about. When push comes to shove, I want to have something besides bullets ready for him."

"I'll see what I can do."

That phrase sends rage through me faster than I can stop it, making me slam my fist into the counter. "Do you have any idea how sick I am of hearing that!" I yell. "If I hear that one more time, I'm gonna kill somebody!"

Liara steps back, scared by the sudden change. "What's wrong, Shepard?" she asks, voice shaking just a hair.

Every ounce of my mind orders me to gain control of myself again. Be the Commander as usual, don't show how bad the stress is wearing on me... But my blood's pumping fast enough that I don't give a damn. She wants to know what's wrong? I'm gonna tell her.

"What's wrong is that no one seems to give a damn about me!" I scream. "Every single person I've trusted won't do a thing to help me! Anderson, the man I gave his position, doesn't want to see me! Wrex thinks the people who tried to kill him are more important than me! Ash hates my guts and thinks I like working with these bastards! I can't find one person from my old crew besides Joker and Chakwas! Every time I ask someone for help, even with everything I've done for them, they can't get their heads out of their asses and give me something!"

"Shepard, I just dropped everything so that I could help you!" she yells, taking a stand against me.

"NO! All you did was take the intel _I gave you_! You used it to get the payback you've been planning for the last two years! If I said I could've taken down the mercs that have been trying to kill me, would you have helped! HUH?"

I step towards her and point a finger an inch from her face. "You are just like everyone else! You only want to help me when it's convenient for you! Not one person gives a damn about everything I've done for them! The only two people who have stuck with me when they had no other reason are Garrus and Tali! Joker's only here so he can fly, and Chakwas came because she got bored! Garrus came, knowing full well that we're probably going to die, and didn't hesitate a second! Tali told her father to go to hell so she could join me! Those two are the only ones who have made sacrifices for me!"

"And do you think I wanted to turn you down on Illium?" Liara shouts back. "I hated leaving you alone! But I had my own problems!"

"All you had was revenge! You thought getting payback on someone you never met was more important than helping someone who saved your life! You put on your stupid little smile and made a joke about the hell I'm going through! I am SICK of everyone giving me the same answer every damn time! People I thought I could trust, people who believed in me are all turning their backs on me while I have to rely on mercs and criminals! For what? So I can save the galaxy again? Who's dropping everything to try and save me? Who's given up everything to do what's right? Wrex isn't! Anderson isn't! Ashley isn't! And you sure as hell aren't!"

She looks me dead in the eye with the same anger I have. "You think that I don't care?" she whispers angrily. "Do you think that I like having someone I care about suffering when I can't help them?"

My face stops just in front of hers. "If you cared, you would help." My hands are fists again, shaking and trying to hit her. It takes every ounce of my will power not to. "But I'm tired of my _friends_... saying they care before they refuse to help me. So if you're not going to give me something, there's the door."

She glares back at me, shaking like my hands are. I almost wish she'd give me a reason. Damn our friendship. I don't care. Her eyes tear up a bit... and then she walks out, not saying a word.

I walk back to the table, grab our glasses and the bottle, and pour all of it down the drain. Then, I throw the glasses and bottle in the garbage. My fist puts a dent in the wall a second later. Blood starts dripping off my knuckles, but I give the metal three more dents before I stop. Not from the pain, but from exhaustion. The adrenaline going in me crashes, leaving me too tired to move.

But my head keeps running at a thousand miles an hour. I start pacing, trying to clear my head. What the hell have I done? I lost control. I just screamed at one of the few friends I still have. I probably just ruined our friendship. For what? Just to vent? Because she said the wrong thing at the wrong time? Liara's always done right by me, by all of us. Even when she couldn't come, she still gave me all the intel I needed. I never would have found Thane or Samara in time without her.

So... what? I just let it go? Do I run her down, tell her I'm sorry? Send a message like Ashley? Buy her a gift as a make-up?... What do I do... I don't even know anymore...

This thought comes out of nowhere. There's no way in hell it would have even crossed my mind under any other circumstances... It wouldn't... I couldn't... She'd never... I could always ask, but... I...

I sigh and run my hand through my hair again. The one calm and thinking part of my brain is screaming as loud as it can to just forget the idea completely. That part makes sense, but... Since when as anything that's happened make sense?

So... maybe... just for tonight...

I walk over to the intercom and open a private channel. Tali's voice answers a second later, from down in engineering. "Yes, Aaron?"

"You mind coming up here for a bit?" I ask, trying to hide all the shit floating around in my head.

"For you, of course." she says in her usual cheerful way. "I will just be a moment."

"Thanks." I say before cutting the link.

I go over to the medicine cabinet and pull out some bandages for my hand. Wrapping my fist only takes a few seconds. Got a lot of practice with busted knuckles from close quarters training when I enlisted. I swallow an antibiotic pill I snagged from Chakwas, just for good measure.

The elevator beeps as I come out of the bathroom. Tali emerges from the hallway a second later, her body tensing up when she sees my hand. "It's nothing." I say on auto-pilot.

"What happen-" she tries to ask, but me hugging her cuts her off. She tenses up more when I lean my head against the side of hers. She doesn't fight me off. Instead, she just stands there, unsure of what to do.

"What are you doing?" she asks softly. There's not fear in her voice as so much uncertainty.

"I have a question for you." I say as I tighten my hug around her and close my eyes. "A favor."

"What is it?" One of her hands starts to move across my back. She's not rubbing, but trying to find something to do with her arms.

"I want you to spend the night here." I whisper. She tenses up again, not moving. "I'm not asking you to go faster than you want. I'll wait as long as you want me to for us to be together, but..."

I start to tear up. I don't cry or sob, but my cheeks are already wet. "I just spent five minutes screaming at Liara, hating her for not being there for me. She just said the wrong thing and... I lost control. I probably just ruined another friendship. What she said made me think of how bad things were right now... how few people are actually helping us and how much we have to lose and...

"I want you to spend the night, so I can remember that there's something good in the galaxy. I just want to feel like I'm not alone in this, Tali. I want... I need you up here with me for the night. Just for tonight... Please..."

I tighten my hug as much as I can and press my head against hers. She stays tense and unmoving, thinking, I hope. The only sounds in the room are the fish tanks bubbling and her ragged breathing. It's the longest seconds of my life... Or maybe they really are minutes and hours, and I'm just standing there.

I probably just screwed it up. Any chance I had with Tali. She was already scared by the whole concept of us being together. And here I am, coming at her out of nowhere, crying and begging her to share my bed... Did I really just do this? Did I really just mess up my relationships with a friend and with a girl I truly care about?... Can I do one thing right today...

"Will you promise me that nothing will happen?" she finally whispers. "Will you promise me that you won't try to do anything?"

"I promise, Tali." I whisper back. "I won't do anything to you. At the most, I might hug you, but... I need to..." I sigh, trying to find words that are eluding me for the first time in a while. "If I wake up in the middle of the night, stressed and terrified... I want to hear the heartbeat of someone I care about..."

She surrenders and hugs me back. Her mask presses against the side of my face. I move one hand to the back of her shoulder while my other arm goes around the small of her back. Her body relaxes completely, and I feel her heartbeat in my chest.

"I will stay with you... if you will still wait for me..." she whispers. "As long as this doesn't change anything..."

"It won't." I say, finally getting some strength back into my voice. "Tomorrow morning, this never happened if you don't want it to."

"Okay..."

She lets go of me, and I stop hugging her. She walks over to the bed while I turn off the lights with the panel on the wall. She slowly climbs into the far side of my bed, still really unsure and worried. She finally gets in and lays on her side, facing the center of the bed. I climb in on the other side and face her. The only light in the room is from the fish tanks, giving her this almost unreal glow. I take the sheets and cover both of us. She just lays there, staring at me through her mask.

I lay my hand on the side of her face, making her gasp softly and tense up. I keep my hand there and rub my finger across the metal of the mask. She slowly relaxes again, her breathing still loud enough for me to hear. I keep thinking what her face looks like under the mask, the fear and uncertainty she must have... all of it in her eyes...

"Thank you..." I whisper to her. I use my other hand and slide closer to her. She stays tense for a few seconds, but she slowly relaxes. When I get close enough, I pull her against me in a hug. She doesn't become as rigid as she was, but she still doesn't move much. I lay me head in front of hers, her chest against mine. Her heart's beating pretty fast. Almost faster than it was when her father died...

After at least ten minutes, she calms down. I feel her muscles relax and her heartbeat go from pounding to soft pumps. I listen to the rhythm of it. Just the sound of her heart... her chest rising and falling with each breath...

"Thank you..." I mutter one more time before falling asleep.

When I wake up in the morning, Tali's still there, sound asleep. She didn't try to move or anything... She stayed right here...

I slide my arms out from around her, careful not to wake her. I make sure that she's still covered with the sheets and grab a programmable datapad. I type as fast as I could.

"Tali, I want to thank you. I know I put you in a bad spot last night, and I'm sorry about that. You deserved better. But, after everything I've been through since I got back... It's been hard. Friends who will stand by me are becoming more and more rare. Wrex, Anderson, Ash. It seems like the people I trusted the most are the ones abandoning me. You haven't. You're special, Tali. Not just special, period. I mean special to me. Thank you for standing with me through everything. And thank you for giving me something to hold on to last night."

"I'll pretend it never happened unless you tell me otherwise. But I won't forget this. I will wait for you. For as long as you want, or as long as you need. I mean that, Tali. I'll see you later."

I leave the message on the nightstand. Then, I get in the elevator and tell Joker to get back to the Shadow Broker base.


End file.
